My eyes blinded with tears it was too late when I saw the truck across my path. I remember slamming on the car brakes and I heard the scream of rubber on bitumen. Time seemed to stand still, and then blackness and nothing.
Kent had come to me as I always knew one day he would. I had wanted him to for, oh, so long, yet even in my yearning for him there was dread. How could I…how could we…mother and son?
He had sat beside me on the couch and kissing me, he cupped my breast with his hand and whispered hoarsely, “Please mother.”
I had responded to him, wanting to give myself to him. Our kissing became passionate and he began to undo my shirt to take my naked breast in his hand.
As his fingers began to fondle my exposed breast a wave of panic ripped through me. I thrust his hand away, stood, and fled from the room. The car was standing in the driveway. I had to get away from him…get away from myself and my overwhelming hunger for him.
I went out of the drive with a screech of tyres. The tears began to flood my eyes, and then the truck and nothingness.
How long I was in a state of total unawareness I do not know. It could have been for a second or a thousand years, but however long it was I eventually became aware that I was falling…falling slowly into dark unfathomable depths.
Then slowly, very slowly, light appeared around me gradually increasing in intensity until it seemed to enclose me in a loving embrace, and then the falling ceased.
I was standing, yet there seemed to be nothing under my feet. I looked up and again, nothing. There was no up, down or sideways. I was suspended in an infinite void.
Strangely I felt no fear, not even a twinge of anxiety. There was nothing, yet I felt encircled with love.
A voice said, “Welcome Jennifer.”
I looked around but saw no one. “Where are you?” I asked.
“I am here, right before you Jennifer.”
“Why can’t I see you?”
“You cannot see me because you have not yet given me form.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Jennifer, you have only to give me the shape and form you desire, and you will see me.”
I tried to make a conscious effort to project a form, and a blurred image appeared about a metre from me. Being so indistinct I could not make out whether the figure was male or female…or even human.
“You see Jennifer, you can give me shape and form; true you have only dimly given me shape.”
“How can I give you clearer shape, then?”
“Think, Jennifer; do you want me to be human?”
“Then it is within your power to make me human.”
I pictured a human form in my head and the shape or being opposite me took on the definite outline of a human being.
“Male or female?”
A beautiful naked male stood facing me. I had seen that body somewhere before, but where? I looked at the face for identification, but it was a shimmering blur of light.
“Who do you want me to be Jennifer? Have the courage to make me the one you most want in your existence.”
It was without conscious thought I gave a face to the being opposite me. The face was one I knew and loved dearly.
“Have you a name?” I asked.
“That is still for you to decide. You have ataşehir escort bayan given me the shape and form you desired, the shape and form of one you love; one who is more precious to you than your own life. So now speak that name.”
“But you can’t really be Kent he’s…where am I? Why am I in this place? What is it?”
“In your dimension, Jennifer you might call it “The Place of Second Chances’.”
“Is this heaven or hell, or what?”
The figure laughed. “Heaven and hell, limbo…all those concepts are purely human imaginings brought to refinement by Dante. This, as I said, is a place of second chance.”
“Are you God?”
He looked at me and smiled.
“No Jennifer, I am not God and nowhere near being God. You see, you humans have created a being in your own image you call God, but God is far beyond your imaginings. God is all things, and is nothing; God is all powerful and all weakness; God is closer than your latest breath, and farther from you than the most distant galaxy; God is, and is not.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Of course you do not understand; few from your dimension can understand. Some in your dimension pretend to have a vision of God, and speak of their pretended vision, and use it to manipulate the gullible.”
“Some few, very few, in the course of their lives are granted a vision of God. They are the ones who can never speak of their vision, for they have no words to communicate what they have seen.”
“Am I dead?”
“Yes and no.”
“Then why am I in this place with you?”
“You are here so that you may finally choose to accept or reject what was destined for you. You have rejected it once and that rejection has brought you near to death, but I repeat; you now have a second chance.”
“What destiny; what have I rejected that has brought me near to death?”
“Jennifer, in your dimension you have heard of people referring to a couple as ‘Soul mates’, have you not?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Often it is said in a superficial way, referring to people who seem to relate well. But there is a deeper meaning, much deeper. All people in your dimension have a soul mate; most never find that soul mate.”
“Why do they not find their soul mate?”
The figure seemed to shrug. “They opt for the superficial, and they choose that which is easiest to accept. The meeting with one’s soul mate can be frightening because it challenges, it demands.”
The figure looked puzzled for a moment. “It is very hard to explain in your terms, Jennifer. You see, when one of your people meet and give themselves to their soul mate, they cease to be solitary.”
“Someone who once came to your dimension tried to tell you. Speaking of men and women he said, ‘The two shall become one flesh’. Yet even those words but touch the fringe of the matter. In your terms he might have said, ‘The two shall become one ego’. You see, in meeting and adhering to your soul mate, you have joined with the other half of yourself; you have become a complete being.”
“Please, what has this to do with me?”
The Kent figure sighed. “It has to do with you, Jennifer, because you have denied you soul mate, your other escort kadıöy self.”
“When, when did I deny?”
“Think, Jennifer. From whom did you flee that brought you to near death? When you gave me shape, what shape did you call up?”
“Kent, my son.”
“Yes, Jennifer, Kent, your son.”
“You can’t mean…he tried to…”
“Yes, and answer me this; did you want him to?”
I felt cornered. How could I admit to a depraved desire for my own son…commit incest with him?
The Kent figure seemed to understand my thoughts.
“You see, Jennifer, you knew the truth in your heart, but could not face it. It is always hard for women in your dimension when their soul mate, their destiny, is the issue of their own wombs. Some, not many, brave the circumstances and unite with their offspring…”
“But that is incest…it is sin…”
“Yes, of course you would say that; you have been taught to say it; but here there is no incest as you understand it. Answer me this; what greater love is there than that between mother and son? What could be more beautiful than the completion of their love than their union in physical love?”
“I…I don’t know.”
“If the issue of your womb is also destined to be your soul mate, and if you accept that, then you have that which many seek and few find.”
“You said there is no incest here, does that also mean there is no sex, no physical coupling?”
“There is physical coupling, Jennifer, but there is more.”
“Look at yourself, Jennifer.”
I looked and for the first time became aware that I was naked as the Kent figure was.
“We are completely open to each other physically, Jennifer; the ‘more’ I spoke of is to be also spiritually open to each other. I can help you to experience that. It will finally reveal a truth to you both wonderful and frightening, but once it is revealed you will never again be able to deny it. Do you wish it?”
I hesitated, bewildered and apprehensive. What truth that I would be unable to deny would be revealed? Did I want truth revealed? Was it not better to live in the truths others gave me? Live hidden away from that which I do not want to believe and understand, accepting the common values because it is easier?
“Jennifer, you may accept or reject and you will return to your own dimension; but acceptance and rejection will each bring their own consequences. Those consequences I cannot spell out for you, they can only be experienced by you and one other. How do you choose?”
The Kent figure spoke gently and kindly, and I heard in him the echo of Kent’s last words to me, his plea; “Please, mother.” I had fled from him then…rejected him…rejected what I so dearly wanted with him and he with me.
“No, I will not reject again,” I resolved. “Show me this truth,” I answered.
The Kent figure smiled and said, “Come close to me Jennifer.”
I took stepped towards him until our naked bodies were touching. He felt warm and vibrant and a thrill of pleasure passed through me.
“You have made me Kent, Jennifer, and I therefore am Kent. Look into my eyes.”
I looked into his eyes and they were Kent’s dark brown eyes. As I gazed into them and he into mine, maltepe escort I felt as if he was searching my depths, he was looking into my very soul. At the same time I looked into his depths and saw there such love, such beauty as I had never imagined existed.
It was as if we melding into each other…became one being…and then suddenly, I was jolted by a searing exquisitely agonising pain that was not pain. It was…what? It was all the sexual penetrations…all the orgasms with their delicious climaxes…all the bodily pleasures I had ever known gathered into one superlative moment of pure ecstasy.
But there was more, much more. I felt spiritually uplifted; this was a sacred moment; I was in a holy place that surrounded me and I knew I was loved, totally and unconditionally. I was…was me…I was Kent…both and neither.”
In the midst of this came a series of rhythmic convulsions, rather like a male ejection of sperm into a vagina; an ejection seeking to reach and fertilise the waiting egg. Yet these convulsions were more, infinitely more. They sought and found every recess of my being, I was possessed, totally.
It was then I began to cry out, “Kent…oh Kent…my beloved one.”
Following the pattern of most orgasms, the convulsions began to diminish. I felt a deep anguish, wanting them to go on and on for ever. I had experienced the tragic dimension of a sexual coupling as it came to an end, knowing that soon I should be separated from the partner, but that paled into insignificance compared to what I now experienced.
I felt as if I was being pulled apart, separated from myself and began to moan, “Don’t leave me Kent…don’t leave me my love.”
The convulsions faded away and I was there, looking into Kent’s eyes and I saw an infinite tenderness.
“You see, Jennifer, you now know. You have always known, even when he lay in your womb you knew, but you were able to bury it away…deny it. Now, however you try, you will never be able to bury that knowledge away again.”
“Will Kent know?” I asked.
“He too has always known. As you suckled him at your breast when he was a baby, he knew. Remember, it was he who came to you, pleading for the fulfilment of your destiny. If you choose to receive him into you, you will have the most profound of all soul matings, that of loving son and mother.”
The figure of Kent was beginning to fade. Around me the light began to diminish and darkness came over me. I felt myself, not this time falling, but rising.
I heard a soft female voice from a long way off saying, “She’s coming round.”
The light grew again and I was in a misty place. I tried to focus, but nothing cleared for a while.
The female voice, now near at hand, said, “I’ll leave you, Mr. Cusack, it will be good for her to see a familiar face; just press the buzzer if you need me.”
There was the rustle of clothing and a soft tread that faded away. My eyes began to focus. I saw a white ceiling above me and looking down there was peach coloured curtains around me.
A hand was holding mine and I managed to ask, “Where am I?”
“In the recovery ward, a familiar voice answered.”
A face appeared above me, a dearly beloved face.
“Mother,” he said, “I’m so sorry, it was because of me you…”
I remembered Kent in that place of second chances and the truth I had learned.
I struggled to interrupt him, and said, “My love, I know now. I have learned the truth, and the truth has set me free. All will be as it was destined to be, my darling.”