Shivering against the cold biting winds Morgan blinked back her tears as the casket was slowly lowered into the grave. The first snowflakes speckled across the tombstones was confirmation that Old Man Winter was about to spread a blanket across the cemetery as they laid Ben to rest. A week before Christmas, he’d finally given up the struggle against inoperable cancer and slipped away.
Morgan’s blurry gaze turned to Josh who swayed unsteadily at the graveside as he fought to keep his emotions under control. Although he’d had time to prepare for the inevitable passing, the excruciating pain of loss and the harsh finality of death were now only beginning to hit home.
The burial service completed, Morgan made her way towards Josh and hugged him tightly. He was her best friend and she had come to care very deeply for Ben as well.
“Are you alright?” she whispered, “Just hang in there, okay.”
“Yeah,” Josh choked. “You coming back to the house?”
That was the last thing Morgan wanted to do. There was nothing that irritated her more than post-burial gatherings where people stood around drinking and eating while they tried to be polite, making small talk, sharing stories, particularly funny ones, about the deceased. To her it seemed a kind of trivialization of that special, but now, lost life. And while Ben and Josh had made no secret of their love for each other, there were still a few disapproving members on both sides of the family. She couldn’t handle that. Not today. Not right now.
“I’ll see you later, when everyone’s left,” she said as she let go of his hand and trudged back to her car.
The ride back into the city was slow. The streets, a sloppy mix of mud, slush and snarled traffic. With only two days left to Christmas the frenetic throngs of eager shoppers were everywhere, in cars, on the sidewalks, spilling out of brightly adorned stores laden with shiny colored packages. As the feathery flakes of snow drifted onto the windscreen, Morgan let her mind run through her memories of Ben. She knew there was comfort to be taken from reminiscing about the memories of a deceased loved one. It was sort of like finding a trunk of old clothes that hadn’t been worn in years and letting them breathe as you touched the fabrics and reminisced about the events and times gone by.
She recalled the first time she’d met Ben and the sparkle in Josh’s eye as he introduced them. He had inadvertently let slip that he and Ben had spent the weekend together, and Morgan had breathed a sigh of relief that her good friend had finally come out of the closet. She’d long suspected that Josh with his never ending string of unsuitable girlfriends might actually prefer men, and she was thrilled that he’d found such a gorgeous match. Ben was tall and well built with dark hair and laughing brown eyes. He was driven by his energy and his passion for his job as a sales account executive. It was hard to believe that he had been tragically struck down in his prime, reduced to a shadow of his former self in the last six months of his life. Josh had been there for Ben all the time, lovingly nurturing, watching helplessly as he withered and weakened. And Morgan had been there for Josh.
“But there were so many good times as well,” Morgan said aloud, her voice breaking the monotonous sound of the wipers clearing a path on the iced windscreen. She recalled the dinners, the conversations, the silly arguments, Ben’s crazy sense of humor, his love of antiques and the pleasure he got from sharing a good bottle of wine. The bittersweet feeling of nostalgia, ignited with the pain of a freshly made wound washed over her as she reminisced about all the loose ends that came together from remembering a special friend. Thank God, there would be no more pain and suffering for Ben, but ever present in the back of her mind were the nagging thoughts about Josh. He was devastated. How would he cope? Would he ever feel anything other than the chill of winter in his heart?
Josh tried to cope by leaving. After the most painful Christmas of his life, he volunteered to take on a two month assignment, to set up the financial and auditing systems in a new operation that the multinational group of companies he worked for had acquired. It would be a shitty assignment, his Director had warned; living out of a hotel five thousand miles away from home, working amongst strangers, troubleshooting and grappling with system problems. It would be tough and lonely. He advised Josh against going.
“Tough and lonely?” Josh said bitterly. “More tough than having constant daily reminders around me of a seven year relationship that I thought would last forever? More lonely than looking into an empty bottle of Jack Daniels and wondering why the fuck this happened to me?” He ran his hand angrily through his sandy-blonde hair and glared at his boss. “Lemme take the assignment. You’ll be saving me. Trust me on this.”
Morgan struggled out from under a luscious dreamless sleep. Her body coming alive to the start of another day. Eyes still closed, she gave a sigh, then a soft whimper. She was trying to remain where she was, in a state of half sleep, but she sensed deep within her womb a tingle of anticipation, as bahis firmaları if something quite exquisite was happening. She stretched her legs, tensed them and moved them a little further apart – and was fully awakened.
Instinctively, almost imperceptibly, her pussy was grasping and letting go, grasping and letting go. With every contraction her grip strengthened and was held longer. Another whimper, another sigh. She could feel the beat of her heart quicken, as she writhed with the pleasure of every erotic sensation. Past her flat tummy and between her long tapered legs a head topped with short blond hair worked feverishly at her smooth pussy. The skilled tongue lapping around her slick and swollen clitoris while two fingers caressed inside her velvet depths.
“Ahhh, fuck yes!” Morgan moaned as she grabbed at Lynn’s hair and pressed her face tightly against her wet pussy. Morgan’s body moved rhythmically to her own wanton thrusting as she rode out her orgasm, writhing and bucking against the tongue that had invaded her pussy. “Oh God,” she groaned as she came and almost immediately came again, the second orgasm tripping over the first under her lover’s practiced oral skills.
“Good morning,” Lynn said, moving up to kiss Morgan wetly on the mouth as she sighed in post orgasmic bliss. She positioned her slick matted pussy over Morgan’s smoother but equally wet one and began to move, rubbing herself, faster and faster until she trembled and cried out in ecstasy.
“Mmm, it is a good morning,” Morgan groaned, stretching languidly as Lynn rolled off her and lay quietly until her breathing had softened.
“And it’s late,” Lynn said reluctantly swinging her legs off the bed. “I’ve got two early morning appointments one after the other. Fuck! And this business of still having to go back to my apartment sucks!”
Morgan raised herself up onto her elbow and swallowed hard, “Lynn, you know-“
“Yeah, yeah, you’re not ready for a live-in relationship. I know you need your… space,” Lynn said wryly. “Its okay baby, I’m just being a bitch, but you know, that’s me.”
At forty five, Lynne still had an athletic body and the energy of a woman fifteen years younger. She flashed Morgan a sultry smile as she zipped up her pants and stepped into her shoes. “But think of the benefits though if we moved in together. I could wake you like this everyday.”
“Oh God, I’d never get any writing done if I was this relaxed every day,” Morgan said, trying to keep her voice light to mask the twinge of guilt she always felt whenever Lynn brought up their living arrangements.
“Damn, I still can’t tempt you huh?” Lynne sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair and struggled into her jacket.
“I’m getting there, I just need …”
“Yeah baby, no sweat, “Lynn said bending down to kiss her again. ” I better get home to shower and change. I’ll call later if I survive the fucking day.”
The moving-in- together debate was not a new one, Morgan thought as she stood under the shower and lifted her face to the hot spray. It was one of two issues she and Lynn could not get resolution on. Ever since her divorce became final three years ago, she had lived alone. At first, she’d hated it, especially during the four terrible months when she had worked as an escort. A shudder of revulsion washed over Morgan at the thought of that time, that terrible period in her life when unable to find a job that paid enough to settle her debts from the marriage, she’d been forced to sell her body. She sponged herself hard as if trying to wash away the ugliness, the memories and shame of that time, but still it lingered and stung like an old wound.
She had loved Colin, her husband, until he had disappeared leaving her with all the debts from their affluent lifestyle and a note that said he loved her, but not enough for a lifetime and he’d found someone else. Getting back on her feet had taken courage and endurance. The debt collectors had been unrelenting and four months of escorting, doing two to three men a night, except for the days of the month when she was menstruating, had brought in the money she’d needed to settle all the outstanding amounts and restart her life.
The bile bubbled up in her throat as the memories flooded over her. Images of faceless and mindless fucks with hairy men, smooth men, ugly men, old men, fat men, young men and rough men. It was a blur of endless erections and condoms and lubricants followed by showers and baths trying desperately to scrub herself clean. And then, when she could finally surrender to the oblivion of exhausted sleep, the cocks would come out of the dark to torment her.
“For fuck’s sake, you’ve had my body, now leave my mind alone,” she’d scream out aloud as she buried her face in the pillow, trying to blot out the images of the penises that haunted her mind. Cocks –just cocks, no faces, no bodies, not even money, just cocks. Light ones, dark ones, thin ones, fat ones, skew ones, curved ones, big headed ones, pointy ones, veiny ones, circumcised ones, uncircumcised ones – all dancing around victoriously as she struggled to sleep.
But she was a survivor. That one thought got her through most days. Sometimes it was a like a mantra kaçak iddaa playing over and over in her head, blocking out the grunts as she lay pinned under the sweaty body of some thrusting stranger.
“I will survive. I can get through this, I am a survivor.”
After her four months of shame and defilement she took solace in her freelance writing and with Josh’s help managed to secure some research assignments which lead to her being appointed as a regular freelance writer for two magazines and a quarterly lifestyle publication. She had slowly put her life together and Lynn had been in it for the past year fulfilling her need for gentleness and the soft touch of a woman, but still, it was hard to imagine living with anyone again, trusting someone that much. She’d never be that naïve again, that vulnerable. What if they suddenly stopped loving her? Dumped her, left their debts as the only reminder of their relationship? It was not something she could consider.
Rinsing the soap suds from her body, Morgan thought of the other issue that always came between herself and Lynn. It was the deep yearning to have a child of her own. She’d broached the discussion several times, tried to explain to Lynn just why it was important to her to have a baby. It had been a dream when she was married, which had never been fulfilled, and looking back on the circumstances, Morgan realized, not having a child then had been a blessing. But now, settled as she was, with all the love in the world to shower upon a child, it had become a deep aching need for her.
The ideal, of course would be to have a baby with someone whom she loved, but the possibility of a long term straight relationship seemed remote. The fact was she loved Lynn, but her own baby would be a part of herself, someone whom she could nurture, watch grow up, share things with, be proud of, give a better life than she had had, and love unconditionally. During the baby discussions, Lynne always listened, but seemed unable to identify with the desire Morgan had and would defend her position by pointing out all the reasons why having a baby was not the smartest thing to do. To some extent Morgan could understand Lynn’s personal reluctance. She’d been a lesbian all her life, not a stereotypical dyke though, but still her maternal instincts had never blossomed and taken hold of her. Added to that, she had broken into the realm of a male dominated world with her successful career as an architect.
Morgan toweled off. It was all so complicated she mused, as she ran a brush through her hair and stared at herself in the mirror. A sudden thought came to her mind, one that rarely occurred to her. She was pretty. Not a beauty but cute with chestnut hair that framed her oval face and fell around her shoulders. Her bright animated eyes lit up her face when she smiled. She was tall – almost five feet ten and in good shape for someone who enjoyed more than just the occasional pepperoni pizza and chocolate praline ice cream. She threw on a pair of jeans and a sweater, tied her hair back into a ponytail and applied some mascara and lip gloss. At thirty four and still blessed with a flawless complexion she could get away with light makeup. She checked the time. Josh was back in town, she was meeting him for a late breakfast at Roma’s and she had to get groceries – her fridge was shamefully empty.
Morgan sipped her second cup of coffee and watched Josh fork the last bit of bacon and French toast into his mouth. He’d lost a little weight, but the dark shadows under his blue eyes had faded.
“God, it’s so good to have you back,” she smiled, “And you’re looking a whole lot better.”
“Yeah…” Josh replied. It seemed pointless to tell her how hard it was, how the memories and little reminders were always still there. Talking about it gave him that heavy as lead feeling that he’d tried so hard to shrug off.
Morgan reached across the table to cover his hand. ‘I know it’s tough, but you know I’m here for you.”
“It’s the damn emptiness,” Josh said softly trying to blink back the wetness that threatened to pool in his eyes. “If only there was something more than just memories,” he said wistfully. “I’ve become so much more aware of our mortality, of the fact that you can be snuffed out in a second without having achieved what you really want from life.” Josh stared intently at Morgan, “If there is something I’ve learned from losing Ben, it’s that there are no guarantees of endless tomorrows. You have to make each day count, go after what you want, don’t wait around hoping and procrastinating.”
“Yeah,” Morgan said softly, “You’re right, but sometimes it’s so difficult. I know, I want-“
“Nothing.” She said abruptly, overwhelmed by her thoughts.” It’s nothing. Forget it. We’re talking about how you’re doing.”
“Morgan, what’s up with you?”
“Okay, okay!” She took a deep breath, “I want to have a baby. There, now I’ve said it.” she blurted.
“Wow this is pretty sudden isn’t it?” The old biological clock ticking?
Morgan shook her head. “No, it’s not sudden at all. It’s been on my mind for a long time.” She smiled self consciously, “But being in a relationship with a woman, doesn’t exactly make it easy kaçak bahis to achieve. I don’t know if it’s the clock ticking, but I am broody and I do want to have a child of my own. Does that sound so crazy…?”
“No, not at all. Are you thinking about adoption?”
Morgan shook her head again. “No, I want to be pregnant with my own child.”
Josh arched his eyebrows, “And what does Lynn say about this?”
“That I’m insane. That motherhood will change everything.” An intense look filled her hazel eyes. “Of course having a baby will change my life. I know there are sacrifices to be made, but I want to do it. It’s worth it and of course there will always be place for Lynn in my life. I think she’s just unsure of this, it doesn’t matter how often I tell her.”
Josh sipped his coffee thoughtfully. “So, if you go through with this, you planning to use a Sperm Bank?”
“No!” Her answer was emphatic. I know most lesbians who opt for pregnancy want the donor to be unknown, but I want to know exactly what I’m getting.” Morgan smiled and her face lit up, “And, I want my child to know who its father is.”
“That’s very generous of you, so you’ll pick some guy. He’ll masturbate in an empty mayonnaise jar and Lynne will slurp it up in a turkey baster and squirt it inside you.” Josh said with a curious smile on his face.
“Doesn’t that just sound awful? Like a laboratory experiment,” Morgan said wrinkling up her nose. “I don’t know about turkey basters. They seem pretty unreliable to me, but I’ve read about Do-It-Yourself Home Kits, and of course clinical inseminations performed by a doctor. I’ve done a lot of research on the subject, believe me.”
“So, you really are serious, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” she said nodding and furrowing her brow. “I’m not sure about all the details yet; you know, about how I want it done and how I’m going to get the donor.” She paused and then asked in a soft voice, “Do you know any men who might want to be donors?”
“You mean like some gay guys?” Josh said grinning.
“Straight or gay, but not promiscuous though,” Morgan said in a matter of fact tone. “I’m not taking any chances.”
“A lesbian nightmare,” Josh chuckled. “Having to deal with sperm is bad enough, but tainted – oh shit! You’re right of course.” He paused to think. “So, a monogamous guy, with an AIDS clearance. Any specific religious affiliations? Or you okay with mixing up the gene pool?”
Morgan laughed at Josh’s gentle teasing. “A mix is good, but there is something else,” she said seriously.
“Well, I know this sounds selfish, but I want someone who will not try and get custody of the child. He needs to understand that even though he fathered the baby, it’s mine. It lives with me.”
“A deadbeat dad! Charming.”
“No, not exactly. I don’t mind him seeing the child. Like I said,” Morgan reflected thoughtfully, “I want my baby to know its father. My dad died when I was young and I’ve always felt that something was missing from my life, so if possible, I’d want the father in the child’s life, but no custody,” she said firmly.
“I get the picture. Anything else?”
Morgan laughed, “Well, while you’re making the list – Tall, good looks wouldn’t go amiss.” She winked naughtily and sipped at her coffee.
“Blonde and blue-eyed to balance your dark looks?”
“Can’t say I know anyone like that,” he said seriously, but I’ll let you know if something comes to mind.”
“Good,” she said, feeling a great sense of freedom at having shared her desire with Josh. “It’s a hell of a commitment I know, but I’m ready for it, and you’re right about going after your dreams, not putting off for tomorrow. That makes so much sense.”
During the next week Josh found his mind inexplicably drifting back to the conversation he’d had with Morgan. They had been best friends for years. He’d met her before she got married and had been there for her when she went through her divorce, during the black days of escorting when she’d become withdrawn and secretive and over the past year or so when she had become involved with Lynn. In all that time he’d never seen her look as happy and enthusiastic as she did when she talked about having a baby. Her eyes had sparkled with life and energy, and something more, something which Josh had come to recognize and understand so well.
The look of hope radiating from her eyes resonated deeply with Josh and tore at his heart. He could give her this dream, make it real for her, but it wouldn’t be without consequences, without pain. It wasn’t just a deposit of his seed. It was more than that. It was a part of himself that he would be giving, that would grow, that would say Josh Mitchell was here. He’d never thought about the prospect of remaining childless, of not carrying on the family name when he had become involved with Ben. He’d believed he had everything, but now as he thought of the emptiness he wished that there had been some way Ben could have fathered a child. A child who carried his spirit and his lifeblood, a small part of Ben that had been immortalized, that he could still love, still hold. He blinked back the tears as he reached for the phone. Ben was gone forever, but maybe there was still some hope for Morgan and for him. She answered on the second ring and he was careful to sound casual as they chatted generally until he steered the conversation to what was on his mind.