iCarly: iCan’t Do This – Chapter 5iCarly: iCan’t Do This – Chapter 5: SurrenderI’m outside Carly’s door, fumbling at the lock. I don’t know what time it is – so late that it’s early probably, and I can’t find the key and I feel like hitting the stupid door but I’m so weak. I make it inside and limp over to the sofa. It’s dark and quiet and peaceful and I just needed to be here. And I can’t stop shaking, and my insides are full of fizz that makes me feel sick and light headed. And it’s like I could only hold myself together until I got here, and now I’m falling apart.I’m sitting on the couch with my head in my hands, trying to breathe, but I’m still shaking so hard I can only get little sips. And I hear her voice. It’s sleepy and worried and I scrunch my nails into my hands until they slip under the skin because I woke her up. And it was a mistake to come here, but I didn’t know where else to go, but I can’t move. I can’t even turn my head to look at her. I can only sit here and rock back and forth while my muscles tremble incessantly. And I hate myself. Hate myself for being so weak and not being able to control these fucking feelings.She’s coming down the stairs and walking around the sofa, “I got worried when you didn’t come up and- Sam?” My eyes feel hot and messy, and I can feel them prickle, and when I say her name it comes out all mangled and broken.She’s hugging me, rocking back and forth with me and she’s terrified. Because I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to be the strong one. And I’ve only ever cried in front of her a few times, but they were never like this. My eyes are streaming and hot, and sobs are racking my bahis firmaları body so hard they’re like blows. And I just thank God I’m not making a sound, just these wet gasping noises when I have to breathe.Carly’s stroking my hair and making soothing noises, but her heart’s beating so fast I can feel it through her tank top against my arm.”Shhhh, Sam, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.” And I know she doesn’t know what she’s saying, because if she knew she would realise it wasn’t gonna be ‘okay’.But she’s rubbing my back and I feel the tears start to die. And it’s like coming down, I feel so exhausted and washed-out, and I just want to sleep but I can still feel that ache between my legs. My eyes feel all hot and puffy, and I know I must look like a fucking mess because I am, but Carly’s smiling at me. And I know it’s a fake smile because I can see her lips trembling. I reach out and touch her face gently, hand shaking. And my heart is pounding so hard in my chest it’s all I can hear, because I love her so much it is killing me. And I’m too weak to pretend it isn’t anymore.I love her, oh God I love her.I bring my lips to hers, and they’re so soft it makes me swoon. And then I get this awful churning in my gut because it wasn’t supposed to be like this. She wasn’t supposed to find out.I pull away and practically run to the door, and my hand’s on the knob when I hear, “Sam?” and I can’t walk away, I can’t ignore that voice.And she’s coming up behind me and I really wish she wouldn’t, because I feel like a wild a****l and I don’t want to hurt her. My shoulders are shaking and I’m trying to hold myself back, but all I can feel, kaçak iddaa all I can see is kissing her again. Her hand touches my shoulder softly and I snap. I back her up against the wall and anchor my lips to her again.Her hands are curled up in front of her, fingers brushing my chest. And slowly, hesitantly, she starts to kiss me back.And it’s everything I wanted it to be, but it’s so fucked up.I want to stop, want to talk, want to run… I want to do a million different things but all I can do is kiss her. And it should be gentle and soft, but it’s not. I’m kissing her hard, too hard, and making her gasp for air. My hands are shaking on her, trembling on her waist, and I run my tongue along her bottom lip, needing to taste her. And she lets me in, her own tongue hesitant and soft. She tastes like mint. Her hands push lightly against me, like she wants me to stop, but I’m overpowering her, and her pushes are weak, kittenish, and then they still.I run my hand up under her shirt, moaning at the soft, hot skin before cupping her breast. My fingers are rough, rushed, brushing her nipple until it hardens against my palm. My breath shudders out of me and I run a hand, trembling along her body, sliding it under the waistband of her pants impatiently. Her hand takes my wrist and I’m panting because I need her. I need to feel her. Need to fuck her because I can’t take it anymore.”Please… please Carly? Please, I need you.” I plead, and her eyes are wide and still terrified because she’s never heard me beg before, she’s never heard me admit a weakness.And it scares me too, how much I need her. And she lets my wrist go. My hand snakes down, kaçak bahis slipping inside her panties and finally, finally touching her. And it’s all soft, velvet, slick heat and it makes me sob and shake because this is what I wanted. But it’s not how I wanted it to be. But I can’t stop myself, I can’t stop myself from sliding my impatient fingers into her, even though she gasps and stiffens and I can see there are tears in her eyes.And then I’m thrusting into her, harder and faster than I ever imagined. I always thought, always wanted it to be soft and slow between us, because I could never see myself hurting her, never see myself touching her without awe. And she’s making these choked little sounds, that are half-moans, half-sobs, and I can feel myself shaking too. Her hands grip my shoulders, bruising the flesh, and I can hear her, can feel her hitting the wall roughly with the f0rce of my movements. Her eyes are shut tight, and she’s biting her lip, and my mouth is breathing hot, uneven breaths on her neck, and I can smell her.And when she cums against me, hard, it’s like a cry of pain and then we’re just standing there, breathing heavily, and I pull my hand out of her pants. And she’s sliding to the ground, sobbing quietly, hands over her face and I feel this big lead weight drop inside me. I get a sour taste in my mouth and I’m just like him, just like Steve. I took what I wanted and I didn’t care.Except I do care, so much.And I can’t face it. I can’t be brave and accept the consequences of my actions, so I run. I run out of there even though she’s reaching out for me and saying my name in her soft voice. Because I’m scared. I’m so scared and my stomach’s churning and then I’m puking outside her building, purging everything. And I’m wracked with weak spasms, even though there’s nothing left, I still can’t stop retching.And then I’m gone.