“Separation Desolation — Chapter 01”
Warning: Book II gets very, very dark in places. It may be disturbing to some readers. Please know that it was not done gratuitously. Please also be aware that there is very little sex in the story.
Note 1: The title pretty much describes the tone of this story. For those who are wondering — there is no way I could title the first story Book I without tipping my hand there would be a Book II.
Note 2: In another fairly radical departure from my norm, Book II has been written in the voices of Lissy and Kara. Kara’s parts are not written by me. It’s the first time I’ve done a story with a partner. The other writer (TOW) brought a ton of skill and passion to the effort. Book II is far better for the efforts of TOW. The identity of TOW will be revealed at the end of the story — but let me say it here. Thank you so much!!
I hope you enjoy the chapter. ~ AVL ~
** September 21st 2013 **
The floor of the elevator is cold. I never noticed before but it’s cheap linoleum speckled with blue, white and gray. How long have I been sitting here… waiting? My forehead rests on the knees that are pulled to my chest. Each time we go down, my stomach turns. Up, down and back again. She’ll be back… right? Please come back. I just have to wait.
Out of tears, my head pounds and there’s churning in the pit of my stomach. Feet of all kinds getting on, getting off. What shoes was she wearing today? I can’t remember! How hard is it? There are voices with the feet. I think some are directed at me but all I hear is noise. LEAVE ME ALONE! I have to wait… she’ll be back. Squeezing my legs tighter, I rock.
The hollow sound of her heels jars me. A familiar scent… Lissy? I raise my head but can’t focus. The light is so bright the kaleidoscope of colors burns my eyes. Her hands are reaching for me… thank god! She pulls me to my feet and into her arms. I knew you’d come back, baby… please don’t ever leave me again. Squeezing her to me tighter, I’ll never let her go.
Wait! This doesn’t feel right. I’ve hugged this body a thousand times but this is different. It hits me. No! I can’t look, but I know. Her voice is low, struggling to soothe. I try to pull away but she won’t let me! The harder I try the tighter her arms close around me. I’m trapped! “I hate you! Let me go!” Her laughter bounces off the walls. The tears are back and rushing down my cheeks. Fear and anger consuming me, I begin to shake, my ears are ringing.
Then all at once I’m free. My legs unable to support me, I fall… and fall. The feeling startles me awake. Disoriented, my shirt soaked with sweat, I sit up. Thank god, it was just ‘the dream’. It haunts my sleep since that day. My worst day. The day Lissy turned and left me in that elevator.
That was roughly a month ago but I remember the day vividly. It wasn’t like the dream but no less of a nightmare. The sadness in those brown eyes when she looked back at me caused physical pain in my chest. A tightening that squeezed so hard I could barely breathe. The love of my life is gone and it’s my fault.
Lost in my thoughts, I did go up and down a couple of times before finally getting off on my floor. Mindlessly I fish my keys out, open my door and walk in. The click of the door closing startles me. I hadn’t anticipated this next part. The part where I don’t want to take another step. There’s just a hint but it’s there – her smell. Everything around me screams Lissy.
I run my hand along the back of the couch as flashes of us swirl through my mind… us, right here… making love or cuddling while we watch TV or just talking… laughing. I’ll never hear that laugh again or see her beautiful smile.
Snap out of it, Kara! You two will fix this. You love each other too deeply and are too right to just let it go without a fight. She’ll never trust me again and I don’t blame her. I have to let her come to me. If it’s meant to be, she’ll come back.
She hasn’t and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that she won’t. I’ve been living on Barb’s couch since that day. Just like the living room, every room held our memories. The kitchen floor, the patio, the bedroom… the shower. Barb went back and got my clothes. Of course some of the stuff she brought was Lissy’s; she didn’t know.
** October 4th **
Heated whispers came from Barb and Carole’s room. I couldn’t make out every word they said, nor did I want to, but I heard the gist of it.
“You have to do something about her.”
“What would you have me do exactly? Throw her out?”
“You’re being dramatic; she’s your friend… and ex-lover. Talk to her. She’s been here for weeks and said almost nothing.”
“Look, I know Kara, she just needs time.”
“What she needs is to get off our couch!”
“Keep your voice down. She’ll hear you.”
“I don’t give a shit what she hears, now fix it! Or I will.”
That was a queue to get some coffee. Just as the cup canlı bahis şirketleri filled, I felt and heard Barb come into the kitchen. Turning, I leaned against the counter and waited. Barb must have been about as thrilled to ask as her ‘guest’ was to answer. Silently, she walked to the coffee pot and slowly poured herself a cup. She was gathering her thoughts; you could see it on her face.
“Kara?” That’s all she’s got? Well she certainly wasn’t going to be helped along.
Her shoulders drooped as she sighed. “Let’s not play this game okay… please?”
“Oh I’m done playing games; trust me.”
“Then tell me what happened.”
“I’m not ready to.”
“It’s been almost five weeks…” So? Spit it out Barb.
“There isn’t some magic amount of time when I’ll be able to talk; I just know it’s not now.” Our eyes finally met. She’s worried. “Do you need me to find another…”
“No Kara, you’re welcome to stay as long as you need to.” Her voice was soft, sincere.
“That’s not what it sounded like.”
“Sorry you over heard that, she’s just… well, she’s just Carol. Plus you know she’s never really been a fan of yours.” Her eyebrows rose knowingly. I knew why. Let’s just say when Carol and Barb first got together there may have been a little jealousy when it came to her ‘mostly’ ex. Okay, maybe more than a little. There was a kiss followed by a slap and a lot of yelling.
I couldn’t hold back a smirk. “Yeah well, that was a long time ago.”
“Women don’t forget.” That’s painfully clear. “Okay, so you’re not ready to talk about it. Can you at least tell me what your plan is?”
“Yes, your plans to either mend things with Lissy or move on.” If only it was that easy.
I pushed off the counter and started walking out. “No plan Barb. She was my plan.”
Barb growled something under her breath as I left.
They were right. The only thing I’ve done outside of going to work and coming back to this couch is sulk. At night when I’m alone with my thoughts, the mind wanders. How I met Alexis, what our relationship meant and what it made me. Was I happy? At the time I thought so. Alexis had coaxed some of the most frightening feelings from me but also some of the most intensely erotic.
Alexis was my Domme and a sadist. I trusted, admired and adored her until the day I didn’t. The day she took advantage and my safety became secondary. I was barely able to walk out of the apartment, broken and humiliated. It was the last time I saw her until the day in her office when I confronted her about kissing Lissy. I hadn’t intended on losing it but when I saw her, it all rushed back.
Yes we’d spoken on the phone but seeing her was completely different. Anger; I was overcome with it. When I let myself think back now, it’s far worse. My hands begin to shake as the cold sweats wash over. Now I knew where it would lead… to the end of me and Lissy.
Right or wrong, this realization brought out an overwhelming urge to be reckless. I wanted and needed to feel pain, to punish myself for betraying Lissy. My lover had trusted me like I had once trusted Alexis and now I’m no better than her. I took advantage; I hurt her… now we’re broken.
** October 5th **
It’s early October, just before Kara’s 39th birthday. I was going back and forth between being furious with her for what she’d done and crying my eyes out that we weren’t going to be together on her birthday. I’d found some empty boxes in the garage, had brought them up to our… my bedroom and was packing her clothes in them. Well, actually I started in the bathroom, which proved to be a huge mistake. Do you know why?
Naturally, I couldn’t resist a spritz of her Euphoria. All that did was make me cry again. She wears that maybe 90% of the time, but on occasion it’s either Pleasures or Escada. I laughed when she told me she likes Britney Spear’s Fantasy. I remember her eyes got all icky and hurt looking. She told me, “It smells good.” Shrug; what do you say to that?
I finally got everything in a box and headed back to the bedroom. I was packing things and crying when I came across something in the back of a drawer under a bunch of stockings, bras and panties. It was a little piece of wood with a round metal piece for hanging on a wall wrapped in tissue paper. This is so hard. Here’s what it said:
I like being with you because you get me.
If I talked to anyone else about the things I talk to you about
They’d think I was crazy.
Or call me an awful person.
But not you.
You just laugh.
And make me feel less alone.
We get each other.
I hope you know how happy that makes me.
I didn’t know she had it. I sat with my arms on the lip of the dresser and cried. I’m crying now. All the memories came flooding back — it’s miserable.
Frantic, still crying, no clue what to do, wanting to call Kara — and not, nothing else came to mind, so I called canlı kaçak iddaa Rachel.
“I don’t know what you’re doing but I need you to come home. I started packing her things and I can’t. I need the two of you to do it. I want them out of here… anywhere, in the garage. Please baby.” A long silence.
“Mom, go downstairs. Don’t touch anything. Go pour a glass of wine or something. Read a book. We’ll be there as soon as we can, okay. I love you.” Still crying, I nodded.
We were having an Indian summer weekend so I sat out on the porch. I desperately wanted to call, especially after finding that wonderful little saying.
“Why don’t you, Lissy? You love her.” June looked at my kid and said, “You’ve been miserable. You haven’t gone anywhere. You’ll probably snap at me again, but Rach and I still want to set you up with Becky Reynolds. She’s lovely; she’s a little younger than you.”
“Mom, you can’t keep doing this, living like this, acting like this. June’s right. The moping and the sad eyes are starting to get a little long in the tooth.” I got up out of my chair; both of them got up with me. “No, you’re not going inside, Mother.” You little bitch.
“Okay, well you two don’t have to stay here if that’s the way you feel. Just take your stuff and go back to your apartment. I needed you to be here in the beginning and I’m grateful you’ve stayed, but I’ve obviously worn out your welcome.”
My kid laughed; she came and hugged me tightly. She kissed me and said, “You’re fine; we’re just being crabby.” Soft hands caressed my face. That’s how my blondie touches me. I felt my chin wobble and my eyes tear up. “Look at you Mom; I can feel it in you as I hug you; it oozes from you.” Another kiss; yes, both were on my lips. “Please, call her.” She smiled. I better tell them why I can’t; maybe they’ll stop.
“Let’s sit down, girls. I should tell you why I’m not going to call regardless of how much my heart hurts.” I hope I can get through this without becoming a basket case. What I really wanted was a glass of wine!
“It turns out the shrink I was seeing led something of a double life. Bette was a respected professional woman by day and a Domme by night.” Two sets of eyes were wide. My kid’s girlfriend wasn’t nearly as shocked as my kid. “It seems Kara knew her in that capacity. She told me it was about 5 years ago, though I don’t know how long it went on. What bothered me was that she never told me about any of it. Even after Bette kissed me and Kara went with me to the next session, she never told me.”
“I still can’t believe you let her, Mom.” I admit it — I cringed, but my daughter was right.
“I know it sounds incredibly stupid but I was so stunned I couldn’t move! It wasn’t much of a kiss; I sure as hell didn’t kiss her back. Neither of us touched the other except for our lips. But it was a kiss.” Rach looked at June, who shrugged.
June asked, “What was Bette’s reaction to seeing Kara? It had to be more than a small shock.” I nodded.
“I’ve been going over that very question in my mind. It’s been a very unhappy six weeks or so for a lot of reasons. I can’t believe I didn’t notice anything; either Bette’s a way better actor or I was paying too close attention to my… to Kara.” I almost said ‘to my blondie.’ I shook my head.
“Do you mind if I ask you something, Lissy?”
“Of course not, honey.”
“Do you love her?” That’s silly; why do you think I’ve been moping around here all this time?
“Yes I do, very much.” June surprised me by getting up, walking to me, and sitting on my lap.
After putting her arms around my neck she said, “Then call her. Life is too short not to be with the woman you love. Call her, Lissy.” I didn’t have to look; I could see blondie nodding. “Work it out. You two are too fabulous to let something like Bette come between you. Call your Kara.” She gave me a kiss and went back to her chair.
Something in my heart was tugging at me to call. Something in my head wouldn’t let me.
“Girls, here’s the thing. I want to – very badly. And there’s another part of me that’s telling me it’s not time yet. It’s that trust thing; it keeps showing itself and I haven’t been able to move past it. And I’m sorry for being so pissy with you. If you want to go live your life without worrying about me that would be fine. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for being here with me when I needed someone to… when I needed someone.” I nodded, happy with my last minute change.
Do you know how you get a flicker of something that bubbles up from your subconscious? You may not even have known it was there… and all of a sudden it was. Well, I actually had a jolt run through my whole body — which was startling enough. I needed to collect myself first; I did. Here’s what happened next.
“Girls, it’s not much of a secret that I love Kara.” I wish I could remember the looks on each of their faces. Suffice to say it was pretty much ‘puhleez.’
“I’m leaving something out that’s the canlı kaçak bahis real reason I’m not seeing her anymore. Bette called Kara, told her about some of the things I had discussed with her, and… suggested some things that might… be helpful.” I looked at Rachel and said, “I’m sorry girls, but I can’t tell you more than that. I shouldn’t really; one half of your relationship is my daughter.”
“So all that bondage stuff the two of you did; that was what you had told Bette?” How the heck? “She listened to what you told her and made suggestions about other things that might have helped with whatever was… whatever.”
Rachel burst from her chair. “JUNE! STOP!!” Her lover’s gaze at my daughter was serene.
“Rach. Rachel Marie!” She turned her head; gray storm clouds looked at me. I had to close my eyes. I’d seen that look in another pair of gray eyes. “It’s okay, honey.” I turned my eyes to June. “However she knows, June’s pretty much dead on. I’m not going to add anything else.” June nodded, her eyes still on me. I looked from her to my kid.
“I guess the way I reacted to finding that saying is pretty strong evidence that I still do love her.” They both laughed.
“Lissy, you don’t look very comfortable talking about this. It may be because of the topic; it may be because who you’re talking to.” She had turned her head during that last and looked at her honey. Rachel’s brow furrowed and her eyes clouded. June smiled, pinched her nose gently and looked back at me. “Do you have anyone else to talk to about it all?”
It was true I was ill at ease. I’m Rachel’s Mom. I also wasn’t real comfy talking about some of Kara’s faults. After all, both of the girls like her… a lot. The truth is — the answer was no to the other question.
“It’s not that much fun to say — but no.” I looked at my daughter. “After your Dad died, a lot of our friends pretty much abandoned me. It probably wouldn’t have been much better if we had gotten divorced. Either way I was single again; that’s not something a married woman wants in her life.” It was more than a little embarrassing to realize how much on an island I’d become. It was pretty much Kara and my kids… and work.
“I won’t speak for my girlfriend, Mom, but there’s a whole lot goin’ on in that head of yours. I can’t imagine it helps much that you put so much trust in a professional like Bette and had it get turned on its head. I hope you can get some kind of help somewhere.” I confess to cringing when June used Bette’s name. Time to change the subject.
“Did you two finish packing?” They looked at each other. This isn’t going to be good.
“No, Mom; in fact, we put everything back where it was.”
“You did WHAT?” June smiled.
“You heard me, Lissy. You may not be ready to have her back in your life, but wanting her things out of your room feels spiteful.” I’ll box and move them later. I smiled.
Blonde hair looked at black curls, who shrugged. “Will you at least set up a dinner or something with you and Becky? I mean, if you’re not going to call Kara, at least get out there and meet someone. Christ on a cracker — you’re too young and way too pretty to sit at home every damn night. You sure as hell didn’t when Daddy died.” The second she said it she put her hand over her mouth. June looked at her honey as though she’d shot somebody. I never batted an eye.
“You’re right, sweetie. Call her, or give me her number, or have her call me. I’ll… shit, I don’t know. I’ll go have coffee or dinner with this woman you two keep telling me about. At the very worst it’s a night out of the house, eating way too much and having some overpriced wine. Who knows? Maybe she’ll be a good dancer. Maybe even a good kisser.” Even as I was talking I knew my eyes wanted to cry — they did. Both of them did as well. Cute huh? Three of us on a porch on a gorgeous fall Saturday crying our eyes out over a woman we all love.
Why did you do what you did, Kara? I ask myself that every day; most days twenty times a day — yeah, at least once an hour every hour that I’m awake. That leads me to tell you how shitty my sleep has been. Part of it is her. Part of it (should I blush?) is cuz I was used to either being exhausted from us making love or curling up till we fell asleep after we had. Even now saying that brings tears to my eyes. Which brings me back to the original question — Why, Kara?
Oh my god, what a difference a comma makes!! ‘Why Kara’ is sooo much different than ‘Why, Kara?’ I laughed when I typed it — am I odd? Don’t answer that!!
** October 6th **
Anyway, I have a date. Becky emailed me early Sunday afternoon. Turns out she lives way the hell out in the northwest suburbs. I’m talkin’ where people go for a long weekend vacation — that’s how long the drive is to get there. I responded to her email, asking if she wanted to meet at a Starbucks somewhere near O’Hare. She called me a couple hours later.
“Rachel told me she and June thought we should meet. Is it not too funny that your daughter is setting you up on a date — a blind date no less? Hysterical! Trust me! “So do you look like Rachel? She’s gorgeous. Her blue eyes are so expressive.” Great idea — work your way into my heart by telling me how cute my kid is!